It may sound obvious, but Greenaway says one of the most important things to do if you’re feeling disconnected is to speak up. Yet, many of us feel like we can’t.
In a report from not-for-profit Friends for Good, more than half of respondents said they would be embarrassed to tell someone they were feeling lonely, while only 29 per cent said they had opened up to someone about their loneliness.
“There’s this tendency to assume that social relationships are an inevitable part of life – they either work or they don’t,” says Greenaway.
“But actually confronting that myth and saying, ‘I know this isn’t inevitable ... maybe I need to start verbalising some of these feelings and trying to do something about it.’”
And as Greenaway points out, research shows people tend to react more positively than we think when we disclose hidden truths about ourselves and how we feel.
Making plans is a strategy often used by psychologists during Cognitive Behavioural Therapy. Just as it sounds, it’s about carving out time for things that bring us joy, align with our values or help get us closer to our short or long-term goals.
As Greenaway points out, enriching our personal lives isn’t just about having fun but is actually a must for our wellbeing.
“Looking after our social health isn’t just a nice bonus. Ultimately, it ends up being a matter of life and death. It sounds quite extreme, but there’s evidence to suggest being more socially connected actually has as strong or an even stronger effect on mortality than things like giving up smoking or drinking less.”
Quality over quantity
The good news is there’s no prescriptive model for what a healthy personal life should look like.
“What research shows is that quality matters more than quantity,” says Greenaway.
Some people may be completely fine with just seeing a few friends once a fortnight, while others will need more. Regardless, having some idea of what a meaningful social life looks like to you and a framework to help foster it is important.
‘The brief chat with the barista is actually a pretty good antidote to isolation.’
Professor Lisa Williams, UNSW
“If you have some structure, it can make it easier to unthinkingly connect with others. You can set up your life and environment in a way where you’re getting your social needs met. But if you have to think about going out when you need to, it might already be too late,” she says.
This could look like a regular fortnightly call with a friend or joining a local sport club.
Professor Lisa Williams, a social psychologist at UNSW, suggests a two-pronged approach to nurturing meaningful connections.
The first, she says, is about engaging with deep relationships we already have and thinking about what we want from them.
“Is it sitting down and having a chat? Is it doing something you enjoy together that’s meaningful to both of you?”
The second is about connecting with acquaintances or “leaning into casual social connections”.
“The brief chat with the barista is actually a pretty good antidote to isolation,” Williams says.
Sticking to a plan
Scheduling activities is one thing, but actually following through on them can be tricky, particularly if you are feeling down.
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But the act of making plans itself can be a powerful motivator.
Williams says research on goal-setting shows that “implementation intentions” increase the likelihood of us sticking to a plan.
“It’s setting an if/then scenario. So if I’m heading into the weekend and I feel isolated, then I’m going to text Amy and Sarah and John,” she says.
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